Jedidiah and the Sh*t Yogis Never Discuss

There he was…once again today strolling into class right on time, going to his usual front left corner of the studio.
Let's refer to this 40-something year old man as, “Jedidiah.” ...Don’t know why I chose this name, but if we cut the euphemisms/metaphoric language, “Jedidiah” sounds a whole lot better that the “Bald Yogi Farter,” or “Farting Yogi.”
Side note: The name Jedidiah doesn't have any connotation to someone being prone to farting loudly in silent rooms, I just thought it would be more…functional for the flow of the blog.

So I have had the unfortunate pleasure of being in class with Jedidiah numerous times. Every class, Jedidah follows the same routine; there Jedidiah goes…farting away with every pose. Class description should be called “flows and farts."
So today, or actually awhile ago while I was in class with Jedidiah, it got me thinking in my hour of meditation of all the shit yogis never talk about.

1. Example one being… not just Jedidiah, but the farting in general.

"Flow and Fart" is very common. There are many times where someone farts in your time of “being at one with your breath," is interrupted by not wanting to breath at all.
Farting is inevitable. It's natural. It always happens and everyone hears it, yet pretends not too for the sake of their "non-judgmental meditative" state. 

This is "Happy Baby" pose -example of "Butthole Exposer"

Yoga poses such as “Happy Baby,” or “Prasarita” leave your butthole/anus-area more expanded/exposed than normal. 

Regardless, when the room is silent, (when as a student you are trying to surrender to your inner-self and concentrate on your breath/the earth below you) and a giant farting noise breaks your concentration, it has clearly left the class interrupted, but everyone is unsure of how to react. Everyone knows the source, the teacher has heard it, the person who did it is probably thinking to themselves “shit. That was loud, my butthole was really in the air during that pose and was extremely vibrations and embarrassing, but maybe they will think it’s the girl next to me.” Wrong. We all know who it was and we all (including the teacher) do not know whether to laugh, to ignore it, or what to do.
I guess yoga poses not only entice you to concentrate on the breath out of your nose, but out of your butt as well. 

God-speed Jedidiah, Namaste. 

 2. Corpse Pose Comatose Syndrome

Sometimes, during shavasana or “corpse pose,” I can actually feel myself falling into a rem-3 sleep cycle. I don’t think this is exactly the point of the posture of course, but I just can't help it.  Every teacher will tell you that this is the most important pose in yoga, the one that teaches you the most meditation discipline. Well…why the hell would they make it the one where you lay down and become slightly unconscious. I am sort of an insomniac, I don’t really ever sleep that well, but in a little experiment I have tried (numerous times) laying on my bedroom floor in the middle of one of my sleepless nights in Shavasana, thinking “ahh, yes…I will be passed out in 15 seconds, just like in yoga today!” False. It actually makes me far more hyper and numerous times through out the night I have found myself in the downward dog position and looking on my i-phone for Buddhist chants to teach myself.  

If I am not sleeping in this pose, I also always think about what I am going to eat after class is over. the end of class, I am usually hungry if I am not sleeping, so I always consider this in my head. I just always think to myself “God (or Buddha), I would love a Larkburger right now. Shit. Wait. Stop thinking about red meat during yoga, I’m supposed to become a vegan or something.” I can’t be the only one I tell myself time and time again, but then in the bathroom after class I see all the Kabutcha shitty-tasting-cleansing drinks and again think to myself “shit. I have not reached nirvana today.” 

3. Noise Makers (with the mouth, not the butt)

Sometimes, these women and men sound as if they are a lion or someone having a “50 Shades of Grey,” sex dream. I am all for the letting loose, the letting out, the noise making yell that you don’t have to feel embarrassed about, but come on people…sometimes this is almost offensive! Especially the one time, the 7-month pregnant woman behind me sounded like was having labor pains early and it was really throwing off my chakras that day. Keep it to a simple yell or horse breath people…you know the drill.

 

 I would like to believe that I am not the only one thinking these thoughts before, during or after a yoga class, but in case I am…well, self-depricating humor has always been my writing style of choice.  In all honesty, yoga and certain teachers have done amazing things for my life, I truly have grown in my practice and appreciate that hour of solace, where you don’t have to think about anything but your breath (you learn to do this, but as you can see, I find myself off-track sometimes). One of my teachers always says that “life is so short, laugh and smile as much as you can.” I take this into my practice... clearly. 

Finding a release in the constant rush of life, that one-hour can take you into a place of simple tranquility, of meditation, mindfulness and awareness like nothing else in my life has ever allowed me to do. 

That's me in the strappy-backed awesome yoga top, sadly...Jedidiah is not pictured, my apologies.